A toddler? Or drunk?

Completely comfortable without pants.
Photo by Kata

What is a toddler other than a younger, cuter version of a guy at a party who's had too much to drink but doesn't know it?

Start with the coordination issues. He stumbles over his own feet. Walks into door frames. Slides off chairs. Am I talking about the toddler or the drunk who doesn't know he's drunk? They both fall face first, then get up, play it cool, and keep going towards whatever they were pursuing (usually food) like nothing happened.

You certainly can't tell them they've had too much of anything. Tell a toddler he's had enough cookies and you have a temper tantrum. And our drunk who doesn't know he's drunk? You tell him he's had enough, and you get a scoff that's way too slurred to take seriously and a "I'm cool, man," as tries to nonchalantly lean on something (and miss).

They're both sloppy eaters. Food flies everywhere, in all directions, like shrapnel in a blast zone. It's not just all over their faces. It's all over their clothes and in their hair (or beard). And they don't even know it, they're laughing and spraying bits of partially eaten crackers. Then you arrive and they come running to hug you, smearing apple sauce or Shwarma sauce (or a mixture of both) all over your clothes.

Both get easily carried away. A toddler will forget about the concept of self-preservation as he chases a ball under furniture, over the tops of tables, and around open ovens.

Our drunk will get carried away on the dance floor. Arms will flail in all directions, knocking over passers-by. He might even cut open his chin in a goth bar during a futile attempt at the Worm.

What else? There are the spilt drinks, and the tears from both over the spilt drinks. There is a wild enthusiasm when his song comes on. There’s the deep focus while they’re eating tacos. 

There's the babbly talk. A drunk that doesn't know he's drunk will slur on and on at you about the thing that's on his mind until he stops suddenly, because he forgot what he was talking about. A toddler, our cute drunk without the drink, will babble on in his own language about something, anything, but the conversation will go off the rails when a train comes into view.

A toddler loves his bicycle. Even when it's just a little too big for him and he tips over every time he tries to move a foot or two.

 

Our drunk who doesn't know he's drunk also doesn't know he's in no condition to ride his bicycle. But he'll walk it just out of sight of his concerned friends, then hop on and pedal away, laughing maniacally, before falling over.

The one difference between the toddler and the guy who doesn't he's drunk is the morning of the next day. The guy who doesn't know he was drunk awakes with the painful realization in his head and gut that he was indeed drunk and party is over.

The toddler wakes up the next morning as right as rain, has his diaper changes, and resumes the party, like it never stopped.