Best Beer Bragging Rights

Who has Europe's best cheese? Ask a Frenchman, Italian, or a Dane about their cheese and watch the bloodbath begin. 

The best chocolate? Belgium, the Swiss, and the Dutch are too peaceful for a blood bath, but a Chocolate-Off might ensue.

Few topics bring out exceptionalism quite like the debate over who has the best beer, which I find strange. I come from a country that doesn't brag about having the best beer, just beer that's better than anything the Americans can brew.

After four years of painstaking research and over-sampling in bars and patios all over Europe (it was difficult, but I did it for you dearest reader), I have made a list in an attempt to untangle Europe's finest beer nations... in no particular order.


Germany
Germany has great factories, cars, public transit, and decent sausages, but their breweries are hamstrung by the country's Beer Law, which stipulates making beer with only hops, water, and barley. 

There are great tasting wheat beers and pilsners, and solid locals brews like Kölsch and Altbier. But! Germany has no stouts or frothy ales, no fruity beers, if that's your thing, or limited run seasonal craft beers.

So, the beer here is great, but Germany doesn't quite have the best beer, but it has the best beer laws, which is a wonderfully German thing to be good at.


Belgium 
Some might be angry at Belgium for holding up the Canada-E.U. free trade deal, but remember they have the best beers. 

Trappist beers, the dark beers, the strong beers that make you wobble on the way to the bathroom, fruity beers. They do everything and they do it proper, and not just proper-tasting, but also in proper fancy glasses. 

In a way, I'm sad about the successful free trade talks. Failed talks would have meant less beer for export to Canada and more beer for me here.

Fancy Boy Glasses in Antwerp!

France
There are no French beers. If a Frenchman wants a beer, he'll drink wine. If a tourist at a bar wants a beer, he is served a Stella Artois – from French part of Belgium, at least – and ignored the rest of the night. Or so I've heard.


Netherlands
The Dutch have a great business model: Make Heineken, and sell it all over the world for a ridiculous profit and go laughing to the bar to order a round of delicious Belgian beers.


Ireland
Guinness. It tastes like beer and coffee combined. Yay for Irish Beer Coffee! 


Czech Republic
Those crazy Czechs drink more beer per capita than anyone else. And it shows, because they have some good beers... and good beer bellies because you need somewhere to rest your beer.


Slovakia
The Slovak beer is almost as good as the Czech beer. But they're a mountain people, so they have local-made hard liquors. I tried some on a hike through Tatra. It warms your toes, face, and brain, and made me feel ike a lightweight. Don't mess the Slovaks' mountain juice.


Hungary
Another wine country, although it's underrated. Their beer is good. Not as good as the Czechs, but better than the Slovaks. My advice? If you're in Hungary, get the beer if you want, it's good, but drink the wine, drink the fröccs, hell, drink the palinka in responsible quantities – or irresponsible quantities if you want a good and/or bad story.

Poland
That beer before liquor rule applies to Poland as well.


Portugal
They drink their beer out of little bottles. Why? Because then you drink it quickly before it gets warm. This is important because their beer is nice cold, and mucky when it's warm. The Portuguese have also perfected the Buy-Two-Beers-at-a-Time Move to match the average drinking speed there.


United Kingdom
We make fun of their warm beer because we just don't understand. Then you're there and you're all confused by the beers with the strange names in the pub and in you point all confused at one of the taps and then you drink it and it's room temperature and you pause because you're realize you're an ignoramus and it's actually pretty good. 


Bulgaria, Slovenia, Bosnia, Croatia
They have their own national beers and they're all good. But I can't chose which one is best because they're all good and indistinguishable from one another and I don't want to take any sides and– oh my god, it's like a metaphor!

Beer.