The Eternal Struggle for Kitchen Appliances and Internet in Germany

Last week, Kata and I were living out of suitcases in her old flat, because there's no internet or fridge at our new flat. It's not for lack of effort. Appointments were made. Orders were filled. Money was exchanged. For some reason, German businesses behave in much the same way that German bureaucracies behave: slowly.

Our life has been forced to adjust to this glacial pace as we await a few necessities of modern life, like our fridge.

Things are a little different in North America, where appliances come with your apartment. In Germany, there is no kitchen: no counters, no fridge, no sink. Just a few pipes sticking out of the walls and floor.

Many would consider us lucky to have a new, furnished kitchen with our newly renovated apartment, but we still had to search for a fridge that fit in the cozy space that is our kitchen.

We found one the right size and price online, but had to wait 10 to 11 business days for its arrival. Life without food refrigeration sets back your food options a century, so we held off moving into the new flat.

The 11 days elapsed with no fridge. I called Saturn (a European equivalent of Future Shop) to find out what is going on. "Don't worry Herr Marshall," I was told, "the fridge was not in their warehouse but it will arrive this week."

The week goes by and I'm a little impatient. I'm thinking about demanding a refund. "Well Herr Marshall, we have a special team awaiting its arrival at our distribution centre and it will arrive this week." If a special team is going to take care of things,I think to myself, then I won't demand a refund.

Friday comes around and no special team has appeared on the doorstep of the flat we haven't moved into. I call again. "Herr Marshall," they say, "we will not be able to deliver this fridge, but you can choose another one and it will come early next week."

By this time, I am weighing my options. We can demand a refund and go to a competitor, but we won't receive a fridge for a few days because most stores only stock the display models. We are also moving into the flat that weekend and leaving for vacation the week after, so timing is crucial.

Whether we like them or not, we have to stick with Saturn. We choose an alternative and wait. 

Monday arrives and with it an email saying our replacement fridge is not in stock, but they suggest another fridge, which is available.

Up until this point, I made every attempt at not yelling at the customer service people. They didn't cause this problem. They don't manage Saturn's supply chain. 

They are just a cog in this soul-less machine that makes every effort to avoid supplying a product that I paid for. I was in the right: I was told it would arrive and it never did, so there was no need to yell.  It was a miscarriage of capitalism. Every time I called, I laid out my situation rationally..

But a month waiting for a fridge frays one's nerves. I started yelling, in English and in Shitty German. Then I yelled at their manager. When I was told the fridge that I didn't even want wouldn't arrive that week – so no fridge before we left for vacation – I yelled some more: What about that "Special Team?!?"

In my haste and anger, I accepted the third fridge they offered after only checking its dimensions so it would fit into our kitchen.

The next day I received an email stating the fridge would arrive the day before our vacation between 10am-2pm. I worked from home and waited. Noon came, then 2pm came, no fridge. I called the delivery company and they said, "It's coming at 3pm, Herr Marshall."

The fridge arrived, bundled up in cardboard and wrapping and plastic. I hastily signed the forms the deliverymen handed to me and began tearing the packaging away so I could plug it in and get to the office.

The packaging came off and revealed a built-in fridge: A metal box with screw holes and sharp corners, made to be put into a cabinet. Every fridge we had asked for was a smooth-surfaced, free-standing fridge.

Faced with a vacation to next day and the prospect of fighting a bureaucratic business for another month, we accepted industrial-styled fridge and moved on to solving the internet...

Our fridge, while we waited for our fridge.

Sitting atop styrofoam
with its screw holes and  jagged edges,
I think we're beginning a fridge trend.

The Damned German Internet

Before all of this Kata had nice things to say about Vodafone in Germany. Now? Not anymore. As I write this, there is no internet in our new apartment. 

An appointment was made weeks ago for the internet guy to visit and install the internet. He arrived punctually and went about checking every outlet for a signal with his internet tricorder thing. He went to the cellar to jiggle a few cords, then returned to stare blankly at the outlets. He told us to call an electrician to fix the wires and departed.

The electricians arrived and said it's up to the internet guy to actually do something. Their instructions – yes, there had to be two electricians to arrive at this conclusion – was to get the cable company to come by again and do whatever they're supposed to do and then call the electricians to do whatever they're supposed to do.

One electrician returned anyway to drill a hole in the wall and bring a cord down from the attic to get us onto the grid. This gives us the potential for internet, but we still needed an internet provider to provide us with internet.

Vodafone was the internet provider in Kata's last apartment and the plan was to shut off the internet in her old flat and have it activated in the new flat. She visited a store, which led to the previous visit with the internet guy staring blankly at the outlets. 

Of course, having no internet at the new flat didn't stop Vodafone from shutting off the internet in her old flat, which is the one thing they technically did correctly in this whole mess.

We are now using mobile internet while we correct this miscarriage of capitalism.

 Last week, Kata again dropped by a store, which is easier than calling a customer service line manned by robots and German speakers. The store people looked at their computer for about 15 minutes and declared we have internet because the computer says so. Kata, being the internet whisperer insisted we do not have the internet. The store person typed something else and told Kata she would get an email confirming an installation appointment.

As I write this, Kata has not received an email about getting the internet that she is paying for from the internet provider that is not providing the internet.

Germany claims to be the economic engine of the European Union. A capitalist success story. In practice, Germany is feeling more like a centrally-planned communist state. 

How businesses providing internet or kitchen appliances behave so unbusiness-like and avoid providing the products and services they are meant to provide is a question for the ages. In the mean time, Kata has nothing nice to say about Vodafone anymore.